Grits and Greens

For whatever reason, I'm a big fan of Bravo's "Top Chef," although it is a pretentious reality where everyone can out cook and out snark the next asshole. I was quite excited when I saw the first episode of season three and learned that a Clay Bowen from Columbus, MS would be in the cast.

I do not know this Clay person and I had not heard of him until I saw him on television. After briefly getting to know the cast members, judges Tom Colicchio and Salman Rushdie's wife showed up for the "quick-fire challenge," which challenged the competitors to make an amuse bouche, a bite-sized meal starter, from the hors'dovers. I knew that things did not look good for ol' Clay when his amuse bouche was served in a carved-out apple---not necessarily something you can eat in one bite. Clay finished in the bottom three of the challengers. He claimed to have made a fruit gazpacho, but it looked like pieces of whole fruit in a hollowed apple. However, the whole concept of amuse bouche is ridiculous anyway, so you can't blame him for trying.

After a brief soliloquy about his "chef daddy who killed himself 'cause he couldn't handle the pressure," things went from bad to worse for ol' Clay.

This week's elimination challenge was some sort of surf and turf thing that replaced bee and shrimp with wild boar and black chicken and rattlesnake and horse's ass, etc.

It's that same tired concept of "exciting and exotic" food that comes across as very banal and mediocre.

Poor Clay chose to cook some pan-seared wild boar chops with cornbread dressing with scorpion fish and a fried scorpion fish tail, and the plate presentation looked so dry that it made me thirsty. Well, Tom and Mrs. Salman Rushdie and the Canadian chick and guest judge and self-hating narcissist Anthony Bourdain tore ol' Clay a new asshole, stating that his food was "tough, inedible and many other not so pleasant adjectives.

When the proverbial smoked cleared and the dealing was done, Clay, fortunately, was sent home--the first person cut from the show. To me, this was a good thing as I didn't want to sit through an entire season of redneck and Mississippi jokes. Clay, who now resides in Santa Barbara, was sent packing.

I like to experiment with food and I'm always willing to try wild game and food from different countries, etc. However, just because Clay couldn't make a stew with horse ass and sea monkeys doesn't mean that he can't cook, as we are all more likely to eat catfish and collard greens than we are kangaroo and duck wang.

Thanks Clay for giving us hope and stepping up to the plate. I bet that you could have whipped their asses in a biscuit cook-off any day of the week.